Here goes day one of my boyfriend, who I had kinda been banking on being my forever, and I taking a break. He moved out this afternoon. I’m devastated and scared and excited. I love him to my core, but I know from past experiences that love just isn’t enough. We both need to work on ourselves independent of each other if we’re ever gonna have a chance to make it long term.
Everyone always wants to demonize the man, and I’m usually quick to get a board that train as well. But, the fact is I am a lot to blame in the situation as well. My codependency and control issues have magnified in such a way that I am now completely sick of myself. I can’t imagine how he feels.
So, this is day one. This is day one of both of us trying to take our lives back. I kept our apartment and he is staying with his cousin until he figures something out. I feel terrible about this, but in a way his inability to budge on certain issues is the main reason that we have gotten so bad. You can’t keep making the same mistakes over and over and expect the person that you’re with to be able to move past things. He’s had a hard time accepting this but I think he gets it now and of course things are becoming way more real to him now that I’ve officially asked him to leave and take his key away.
Tumblr was such a great source of community for me when I was active on it about 10 years ago, or maybe even longer than that. I don’t even really know what this platform is like or has to offer anymore, but I need somewhere to write things down, sort my brain out, and not overshare with my friends and family members because I don’t want any of the back-and-forth to cloud their judgment of him and put my credibility into question. I overshare enough as it is. 
In fifth grade a boy tried to impress me by swallowing a whole tadpole live and I punched him so hard that he puked and the tadpole was fine.
I kept it in a terrarium and it became a normal 🐸 despite everything. About a year afterward (I thought) it died, so I sadly put it in a shoebox in the shed until the ground thawed enough for a proper funeral but when that day came I opened the box and the frog was fine.
Yesterday was hard. Trust is hard. Not wanting to make your partner look like an asshole to your friends so you feel like you can’t tell anyone when they make a (kinda big) misstep is hard.
I’m going to attempt to start keto today. I’m not telling anyone, not even T. He knows that I have been trying out new low/no carb recipes.
But, it is my main goal for 2021, and the rest of my life really, to take action over telling everyone what action I intend to take. I want to start doing more and talking less. This is clearly hard as fuck, the Gemini in me we won’t shut the fuck up ever. So I’m going to attempt to have diarrhea of the mouth here and hopefully that will curb it in my actual life.
Okay so I’ve told basically anyone with ears about what I’m up to eating wise bc I’m literally the fucking worst. BUT, today is the start of day 6 and I feel amazing. I haven’t felt deprived once and I work in a freaking bakery and haven’t been tempted once. I hope this energy keeps up.
I went to Trader Joe’s (TWICE!!!) last week and bought ALLLLLLLL the frozen things knowing good and damn well I wanted to try to start this diet soon. For the past few days my mindset had been OK once I eat all of this up I’m going to start. But, I changed the way I was looking at the situation and realized that I am prepared enough to start now if I want to. All of the terrible frozen things that I got at Trader Joe’s are actually a blessing, because they all take less than 10 minutes to cook and while I prepare my lunch for work, I can throw the Trader Joe’s stuff into the microwave and have something waiting in the fridge for T when he gets home.
I actively changed my way of thinking to a healthier one and made myself look like a super (almost) wife by having some things that taste decent in the fridge at all times. So, winning!
I’m going to attempt to start keto today. I’m not telling anyone, not even T. He knows that I have been trying out new low/no carb recipes.
But, it is my main goal for 2021, and the rest of my life really, to take action over telling everyone what action I intend to take. I want to start doing more and talking less. This is clearly hard as fuck, the Gemini in me we won’t shut the fuck up ever. So I’m going to attempt to have diarrhea of the mouth here and hopefully that will curb it in my actual life.
